The Muzzy Buzz

While the nurse first checked out my prostate gland (don't ask) and then, wearing a clean pair of gloves, reassuringly counted “One, two,” I could hear a commotion outside the cubicle. It appeared an elderly man had drunk too much and fallen down a flight of stairs. “We get a lot of that,” the nurse said with a tired smile.

Later in the toilets I met a short man with a head like a battered turnip. His nose was split open from side to side, dried blood everywhere. “You need to wash your face,” I told him. “It hurts too much, mate,” he answered. Then he asked me for a cigarette. I told him I didn't smoke. “Oh,” he said, “I thought that's why you were in there.” I showed him my sample. “I was filling this.”

I was in no doubt that alcohol had played its part. His injuries suggested he'd been involved in a vicious fight. He was one of several reasons why I was in Accident and Emergency for 5 hours—a painful hour or two longer than necessary.

Thirsty?

Late one night a couple of years ago the phone rang. It was a valued friend in a terrible state. He'd had too much to drink, was very depressed and sounded genuinely suicidal. I talked him round as best I could. It was one of several welcome calls and visits that revolved around alcoholism and depression. His endless problems were partly alcohol-related, and that in turn was linked to the depression that was linked to the problems that were linked to the alcohol… Happily he's now recovered, remarried and doing very well. He's got plenty between his ears and is made of good stuff.

The bottom line here is very simple: when we try to drown our sorrows we discover they just float.

The world's drink-related problems are widespread and well-documented.1 I could offer here a very long list of carefully researched facts and stats to prove that one way or another drinking hurts us all. There are plenty of authoritative resources. But I'll tell you straight—commonsense and experience are all we really need.

A sixteen-year-old who lives nearby came home legless in the middle of the night and woke up half the street before someone took her in. I regularly see another neighbour sunning himself in his garden at noon, drinking vodka with his mates. Someone I went to school with drank himself to death last year. He was 48 but looked 60. My wife's aunt did the same. And so on...

If a drop of wine is good for your heart,

why not adjust your diet

and go out for a brisk walk instead?

Ok, I think I was lucky, I'll admit that. I've never taken to this socialising thing2 and my few teenage experiences with pubs and drink didn't impress me one bit. I couldn't work out why I bothered or what the fuss was about. That's just me, but it surely tasted awful and I couldn't justify the cost. Little wonder it frequently has to be mixed with something else to make it palatable. It beats me what it contributes to a good night out.

Of course it's even cheaper these days—”As much as you can drink for £10!” In fact it's 69% cheaper today than it was 12 years ago. But for too many a lot can be consumed in a weekend, so over a 12-month period it's anything but cheap. And for what?

And if a drop of wine is good for your heart, why not adjust your diet and go out for a brisk walk instead? Let's not forget that in a 500-page report from the World Cancer Research Fund, regular, more modest alcohol consumption was linked to cancer. But we're getting desensitised by all these big studies, aren't we. Paradoxically, they seem to make the victims more apathetic.

Alcohol is a poisonous sedative that's fun for a while...

Losing inhibitions in company might free some of us up for a good giggle, but it also turns each of us into someone else. It's hard to have an intelligent and stimulating conversation when your mind is fogged and your speech slurred. We accept these mental and behavioural disabilities primarily because of peer pressure and the cultural conditioning we are all born into. It's a cycle.

But why can't we be different? Daft though it initially sounds, what exactly is wrong with sitting somewhere with a glass of anything else and a bag of crisps? You can chat away coherently with your friends about whatever interests you. If you're a single bloke you can flirt (soberly) with the doe-eyed girl in the corner who looks like somebody's just stolen her teddy. If you're the doe-eyed girl you can use your pretty head to keep him at bay—assuming you want to...

I'm told it's probably “the buzz” that matters most. I used to associate the need for an alcohol buzz with an immature age group, but it's not always the case. I recently heard a man in his 60s say that the main reason drink is so popular is the buzz it gives. He confessed it tasted terrible.

When you consider all the pain and turmoil alcohol causes, it's hard to comprehend why it's consumed so recklessly and in such vast quantities. It's become an obsession. Habitually drinking till you're legless or even tipsy is like playing Russian Roulette. It's asking for trouble and dedicated drinkers will find it eventually. Fights, misunderstandings, careless talk, sexual advances, rape, crimes, accidents, addiction, disease…

These accompany alcohol wherever it flows freely. I don't know about you but I've more than enough shortcomings and problems as it is.

1 Here are the UK basics:

2 On rare occasions I’ve been unavoidably trapped at a table with my elbows politely tucked in, eating food I can’t pronounce, using utensils the etiquette of which happily eludes me, my breath stinking of spice and garlic, looking across the culinary clutter at people I can't be bothered with while suppressing antisocial but essential bodily functions. Not only that, in the past, before the law was changed, as an asthmatic I struggled with diners' cigarette smoke and went home smelling like an ashtray. (I'll tell you something: laws or not, one of the worst places an asthmatic can be these days is either side of a hospital's main entrance.)

Each to his own, but I'd much rather sit with my wife on the tops of frosty mountains and eat stodgy ham sandwiches, or have a plate of non-greasy chips in front of the TV.

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